jenngsa

man, between grad school and working two jobs I have been constantly on the go.

Not much has been going on lately out of the ordinary. I went to level five states a little over a week ago with my girls and one of them ended up winning bars and floor. It's pretty exciting to finally have a state champion- a double one at that. A bunch of the other ones placed as well, so overall I think that the level five states went pretty well.

I am really looking forward to going to Florida and getting out of Buffalo for a week. I know I say that every time this year- I'm burned out, bored with life, blah blah blah. But for some reason this year it seems to be particularly true. I am so fried from everything that I have been doing that I can't wait to go and do something for me.

I kind of feel like a mime in a box lately. I've trapped myself in this invisible box that no one else can see, but nonetheless it is restraining me, holding me back. I can't really say anything about it because I trapped myself in the box, my own decisions are what put me there. It's up to me to find a way to break out of the box. I need to find something new to do, something different. I don't know what, but I do.

I just applied for a job at Best Buy... Let's see if they decide I'm worthy enough to be hired... or if they can even fit my schedule. It's a tough one!

And yet here I am, posting in this!

I just finished working on the powerpoint for my group project. So I figured I deserved a bit of a break for a few minutes before I skim the reading I was supposed to do for class today.

I can't believe Syracuse is this weekend. I am going to suck hardcore. I haven't tumbled my back tuck punch front because of my ankle and I don't think i am going to try until saturday during warm ups. No reason to freak myself out now because of it, right?

And then a week from Saturday I get to go to the judges cup with Britt and apparently Sarah M, now too! Ha ha... Level 8 state champion and now I dont even have a vault and I don't think my tumbling will be very good. Ahhhh. Hopefully adrenaline and stuff will kick in and I can pull something decent together. I was hoping to have my front full for the meet... but that is looking highly doubtful.

I did get some straddle backs in yesterday, so maybe my bars won't be as dismal as they usually are. And if I can get solid on beam in the next two weeks, which shouldn't be a problem, I should do okay there. I usually got 9's or near nines on that event. Just... floor and vault. lol. I just gotta keep telling myself that I had a broken ankle all summer and couldn't practice... so that's why I am going to suck for a bit. Mike's worried about my ankle and told me I'm crazy. I told him it's been three months... the stupid thing should be healed by now. Besides, I've begun taping my ankle (Mary swears by it so I thought I'd give it a try) so that's a plus too.

Ha ha... besides gymnastics I've got a crazy load of work to do for school. It never ends. I wrote five papers this weekend and now I have to write two more next weekend. And one tomorrow. One positive note is that I don't have my last incredibly boring class on Wednesday. Getting out at six thirty instead of ten is a very exciting thing indeed!

I wish I could break out of this funk. Just when I feel like I'm starting to be happy about things and accept them, SOMETHING comes up and breaks my confidence/acceptance and causes me to come crashing down again, lost in the flow of life.

I hate it.

I still can't accept that I might extend my grad school longer. Zach told me I should get a different job if I end up going extra time in my degree. To REPLACE working at GSA. I was shocked when he said that. But he insisted that he thought that's what I wanted to do... to quit working at GSA and find another job. I don't know where that came from. I don't know how I could ever quit and leave all the girls at the gym. But it had to come from somewhere, didn't?

I'm still totally overwhelmed by school right now and I think that's what is making me most miserable. I don't know if it's just the work anymore. The whole idea of teaching children is starting to become very scary to me. I always thought that this is what I'd do, ya know, be a teacher. But the idea of running my own classroom and having to get them ready for standardized tests and whatnot... that thought overwhelms me too. There's so much pressure from all sorts of different places.

I've got so many more responsiblities at work now, too. It's nice that I'm being trusted with more, but all this on top of my feelings of being overwhelmed and inadequate is not helping me one bit.

I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. But I can't really come out and tell anyone this, because everyone seems to think that I'm all organized and on route to be a teacher and it's all planned out. They see me as stable and established, when in reality I'm lost and wish that someone would help me figure out what is exactly right for me- and accept that decision if it means going to school longer than originally thought- or perhaps even a change in plans all together.

This is going to be a really expensive mistake if I make it- 2 to 3 years of grad school and not knowing if I'm going to ever be good enough to make it out there.

I bought "Stick It" today and road the bike for 27 miles while I watched it. It was a nice release from the nightmare of a life I've been going through. that movie is so dumb that I was cracking up at points. It was good just to relax (yes, for me relaxing involves riding a bike for 90+ minutes straight).

I'm really hating life right now. Grad school is absolutely kicking my butt. Not only is it alot of stuff I have NEVER done before, but I am often feeling very inadequate as we go over the material in the classes. Like maybe teaching ISN'T for me. And right now I'm only taking 4 classes instead of five and I already feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. I'm thinking I may have to take maybe 2.5 years to graduate rather than 2. Maybe three. It's possible after two years I might be able to substitute teach during my last year, depending on if I can take the teaching certification exams. But right now I just don't see how I could mentally handle doing another class and all it's homework ON TOP of everything else I am currently doing right now.

Work's going okay, but I've been feeling crazy stressed out there, too. I don't know why. I shouldn't. But I do. Alot. Meet season's approaching fast and so many things need to be done before hand. And this semester I'm missing their first meet for a UB meet in Syracuse and next semester I'm going to be outta the gym two nights a week rather than just one, so I'll be letting them down even more.

The only positive thing is that the last weekend in October I'm going to the clinic in Maryland(?) with some of the UB gymnasts. It's supposedly at Annia Hatch's gym. How amazing is that? I LOVE her. It'll be soooo cool to go and work out there. I just hope my foot is better by then. I've SLOWLY been able to start doing things but I STILL cannot back tumble yet and it's driving me nuts.

Mmmm, I'm going to stop typing because after roughly 10 hours straight of classes (perhaps another reason why I'm already burned out and we're a month in) I am thoroughly exhausted.

Seeing as it's been nearly three months I figured I'd update.

This summer wasn't the greatest. Florida was great. I definitely enjoyed lounging by the pool or on the beach.

Work was long. The second week I think I broke my thumb spotting giants on strap bar. It snapped all the way back to my wrist and I couldn't move it for a long time. I never got XRays though because it happened only three weeks before Empires and I didn't want to be put in a cast or something and not be able to compete. So I sucked it up.
So Empires comes and I'm feeling pretty good about it... and on my first vault on the first event I tear ligaments in my ankle. I couldn't even get up and salute. It was like a replay of EMU nationals a few years ago. I landed and the second my foot hit I felt this awful pop and I rolled so I wouldn't be on it that long. I almost wonder if I tore something on the board because it happened so fast. It wasn't even that bad of a tsuk. Perhaps it's time I find a new vault. Hmmmmmm. I did get second on vault (8.5) and by default third on bars and third all around. I'm mad cuz I bet I could have won that meet if I could have done bars, beam, and floor. Grrrrr.
I was in a cast for two weeks and that kinda blew the summer. woooo.

Classes are scary this semester. I don't like grad school. It's so much work and sooooo much stress... I'm going to have a nervous breakdown before I get into October.

Work starts Thursday for me. Should be an interesting year. I set the schedule up this year and selected the groups for the most part. I even assigned the coaches for each group. It's a whole lot of responsibility that I hadnt had before. Plus I've gotta get the leos ordered, USAG forms filed, parent meetings set up, floor routines choreographed (I've only done one out of five- crap). So I've got a lot of crap to do for there as well.

Woooo

But today is my three year anniversary with Zach. Love you hun! Tomorrow's my Birthday, however I won't get to enjoy it because I've got classes from 1-9:40 that night. And I'm missing the gymnastics meeting tomorrow because of my stupid child development class.

I suppose that's enough for now.

In eight days I will have already landed in Fort Lauderdale and beginning my much needed escape from here. I can't even begin to tell you how nice it will be to be 100s of miles away. No gym. No doing gym. Nothing. The biggest stress I will have is figuring out what to eat or whether I go to the pool or the beach that day. I really CANNOT wait.

I'm borderline nervous breakdown again. I'm not sure why. I guess moving last week had a big impact on me physically and mentally. No longer do I have the escape from my family that I enjoyed for two years. Actually it was a good escape from everything as it was 20 minutes away from most of the stressors of my life (well except for the classes part of course). When I was shut up in my room there I was really alone and knew I had privacy and "me" time. Here it's not necessarily that way. Plus the actual moving was strenuous and time consuming. definitely had its physical tolls.

My gymnastics has become very stale lately and I'll randomly get scared to do things, which is driving me NUTS. I was doing bhs's on beam today with mike and all of a sudden I stopped. Then he just walked away and never came back, so I ended on a stop. NOT something that helps me mentally. So I switched to fhs's, which have been going crazy well lately... and I got nervous on those even. I was going for them... but I was nervous and that ticked me off. And then I was mad because Mike never came back... yeah. THis just was NOT a good morning. Also last night I was tsuking and I nailed my first one. Then on the next TWO I had a fluke accident and slammed my back into the back of the vault as I was flipping. Absolutely NO CLUE how I did not hit my head. So that had me shaken up last night. Not only was I scared but my back hurt like crazy from hitting not once, but TWICE. The best thing is that I had an AMAZING bar work out before that. I keep going from good to bad, I'm crazy inconsistent lately, scared about random tricks,and yeah. I'm just PRAYING that not working out for pretty much two weeks (b.c i'm SURE I won't get much if any time in next week cuz of the show) will help me calm down mentally and I'll come back at the end of June refreshed and ready to get ready for Empires. I REALLY want to do well there.

Coaching hasn't been so hot lately either. I took six girls to States and only one placed. I wasn't expecting much from this meet because I know what kind of competition is out there, but I feel like I'm the reason the girls aren't placing. It's my fault when they aren't on the awards podium. That's not a good feeling to have. It's like I'm failing them as a coach, in turn failing Mike as an employee, and Mike's been overly nice to me this past year (even tho we are having issues now, he's still been amazing-better than any other boss would be). I just don't know what to do. Something's gotta change.

Then home life... GOD. All I hear about is how great Jim is or how it's a huge injustice that he didn't get this award or that one... What the heck? He just got a full boat to UB... does he NEED anymore awards? He messed up this outdoor season, but he's still going to have his scholarship and he's still going to be vaulting in NCAA D1 next year... that seems like enough of an accomplishment right there. But then I hear how its a travesty that he didn't get the senior scholar athlete award or the football scholarship and I think wait... HE'S ALREADY GOT MONEY AND AWARDS... did this one really matter? I don't mean to be mean or anything, but it's really killing me because that's the only thing my family seems to talk about lately... how great Jim is and how he should be getting this and that... blah blah BLAH.

So, like I said, is it June 16 yet?

I didn't think I'd be sad to move out of Hadley, but boy was I wrong. I am looking at this room, stripped naked of all my stuff and it's really depressing. I've been here for two years... Lots of great memories! *sigh* I keep looking around and thinking, "aw, I'm NEVER going to be here again"

I'm redoing my room at my house, so all this stuff *and theres alot* will be going back to my dad's house and be added to the chaos that is my room. Things are EVERYWHERE. Lol. And I still haven't picked out colors for the walls or anything. As some people know, I'm a TAD indecisive.

But yeah, I just wanted to update one more time from here... Jenn signing off one last time from Hadley... over and OUT.

It's the end of May. And it's raining. And yucky. And cold. I don't like it. It needs to be warm and sunny.

I am so tired. Just had another marathon weekend. Two weekends ago we drove to Rhode Island, I competed, we left all in 24 hours.
Last weekend I lived at the Pepsi Center for about 36 hours setting up, coaching, and taking down all the equipment.
This weekend I drove to Orangeburg with Savannah for level six states and was back in lancaster in nearly 24 hours.

No wonder I'm so tired.

Things have been a little better lately, but I'm still a little lost. I screwed up something else at the gym, which I feel awful about. And between last weekend and this weekend I feel like the girls should be doing so much better than they are, and it's my fault that they are not. I must be doing something wrong. The only level at our gym that consistently does well are the fours. Maybe I'm not cut out to coach anything higher than four? *sigh*

Yeah, I'm still a little down, can ya tell?